23 May Child Welfare Involvement and Parental Grief

By Kayla Harmon, KY SEAT member

A common misconception is that grief only applies after the death of someone. But this is not true. Grief occurs with any loss. For parents with child-welfare system involvement, this loss can show up during many stages of the process.

Just an investigation alone is a loss for parents. It can be a loss of feeling safe in their community, safe in their homes, and safe with the people they trusted to support them in their parenting journeys. When about 90% of child maltreatment in Kentucky is actually for neglect, which is often confused with poverty, an abuse report can be shocking and feel like betrayal. 

Grief can compound with each additional stage of the child welfare process, including a case, child removal, reunification, or termination of parental rights. 

Here is what people should know about grief:

1. The healing process is not linear. Although there are five stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—we can go through them out of order or skip stages altogether.
2. You may never have closure. This doesn’t mean you can’t or won’t ever move on. Or that you’re going to be miserable and heartbroken forever. What happens over time is you learn to carry the grief with you in healthy and purposeful ways. You use it to connect you to the person or thing you loved and lost while still moving forward into whatever life has next for you.
3. You can’t ignore it, or numb it, away. Facing, accepting, and dealing with your feelings in a healthy manner helps you heal. So, let it out! Scream, cry, punch a pillow, journal, call a friend, go for a run, sit in silence, reminisce on good memories, go to therapy—anything that allows you to feel and process.
4. Lingering feelings don’t mean you’re stuck. Grieve the way that you need to, not anyone else’s timeline or way. Keeping mementos or talking about the loss doesn’t mean you’re stuck—it’s a personal choice. Some people may want things gone right away, some take a little more time, and some may never be ready to remove belongings or stop talking about what they lost.
5. Healing looks different for everyone. The goal of grieving isn’t to do what everyone else is doing; it’s to find what works for you, allowing you to cope in healthy ways and move forward in life in your own time.
6. It will always get easier every year. It may be easier and less painful; it may not be. You’re in a different place each year and your pain may look different whether it’s one year or 22 years later. 
7. Moving on does not means you’re forgetting. You can still feel the pain and move forward, but this does not mean you’re forgetting or letting go of the person or thing you lost, but rather accepting the loss and letting go of the way the pain controls you.

It can be hard to know what to say to a parent who has current or former child welfare involvement and is dealing with grief. Here are some tips for how to sit with them in their pain and face it head on together:

• Check on them
• Learn about the grieving process
• Be a listening ear
• Allow them to cry
• Ask questions
• Offer hands-on help
• Be willing to sit in silence
  
  

Healing takes time and parents are doing the hardest job there is. They deserve our support before, during, and after the tough times. Remember, there are investigative workers and court professionals who are there to determine safety risk and child placement. As a caring or supportive family member, friend, or person from the community, it is not our place to make those judgments. Supporting parents supports their kids and promotes generational healing and success. 

KY SEAT, through a collaborative partnership of Kentucky Youth Advocates and the Department for Community Based Services, is a statewide council of birth parents advocating for and empowering others who have past experience with the child welfare system. To learn more about what parents, caregivers, and youth experience throughout the child welfare system process, read this blog on Navigating the Child Welfare System for information and resources.