26 Sep Managing Big Emotions: How practicing self regulation encourages co-regulation
By: Krystal Abreu
Like many of us, self regulation was not a skill that was modeled or practiced in my home growing up. Self regulation was something I learned about when my oldest son was in his second year of life, at a time when things felt chaotic and completely out of my control. The first thing I learned was how dysregulated I was at managing my own BIG emotions and feelings that were being triggered by my curious and expressive toddler. What this looked like for me was being completely overwhelmed by a situation followed by reacting out of anger ( yelling/ shouting).
I remember one situation where my son was screaming and crying in the car because he dropped a toy while I was driving. Of course he wanted me to get it for him at that very moment. I was trying to tell him he would get his toy as soon as we got to our destination. Well that answer was far from satisfactory for him and the screaming and crying continued along with kicking the back of my seat. I tried raising the volume on the radio which only led to my son getting louder. After what felt like an hour, I finally lost it and started screaming as loud as I could out of frustration. That did not help the situation at all, it scared him and the crying continued until we got to our destination.
I realized how I was handling tough situations only made things worse, and there had to be an alternative. I wanted to be able to learn how to respond to the challenging situation rather than react to it. A mom friend at the time had mentioned something about “co- regulation” and how it was important in supporting our children’s development as well as supporting and strengthening their nervous systems. I was eager to learn more and desperate for a tutorial so, off to Youtube and Google I went, downloading podcasts and following as many accounts on Instagram as I could.
That was when I learned the second most important thing about self- regulation, it is the skill of managing our emotions and responding to our childrens big emotions in a calm and constructive manner; which takes time and practice to improve. I realized that it was now my job to re-parent myself and learn how to regulate my own thoughts, feelings and big emotions. By doing this, I am able to help my child / future children cultivate these skills and model to them a higher capacity for self regulation. This was not an easy task, and just like when you’re learning how to ride a bike without training wheels for the first time, I fell down a lot and I got right back up; this has been the most rewarding and humbling experience as a mother.
Since I have been practicing self- regulation I have been able to co- regulate with my children according to each of their personalities. Recently my two year old daughter has been waking up every morning wanting to eat “snacks” before breakfast. You can only imagine the early morning emotions that come with me telling her that snacks are for after lunchtime. My approach with her when she is in complete emotional outburst is taking her into a room in our home with little distractions. I sit with her, even though she wants nothing to do with me, and I just reassure her that I am there for her whenever she is ready to talk about what’s going on. I offer a hug or if she needs space I will give her that, but I never leave the room. I sit there and am available to her with compassion, empathy and love. Eventually after about 20 minutes she will look for comfort from me and we can talk things through. This takes time, it may even feel inconvenient when you have a list of things to get done. But this is how we break the cycle of reactive parenting.
A few easy tips to get started on the journey of Self / Co- regulation
1. Stop what you are doing. Put down whatever task at hand. Take a deep breath.
2. Take a moment to check in with your thoughts & what might be driving your reaction (from a place of empathy, love and compassion)
3. A few comforting affirmations : “I am enough”, “I am a wonderful parent”, “we will overcome this challenge” , “I am my child’s safe place”
4. Depending on the situation / age of child / if there is another adult in the home, taking a minute to walk outside and reset is very helpful.
Resources:
Book: No- Drama Discipline by Daniel J. Siegel
Book: Co- Regulate with me by Jessica Turk LCSW
Podcast: All things Sensory Episode 36 “Our Favorite Self Regulation tools for children